This made me lol

[kinggovernor]

Man of Many Suits
Jonathan Lee Riches Sues Everyone and Everything



Hugo Chavez may be tough to extradite. (City Paper)
Roy Pearson's title as most frivolous litigant may be in jeopardy. The challenger to his crown is a 30-year-old federal prisoner named Jonathan Lee Riches, aka "The Nostradamus of Commerce," "The Credit Card Czar," "The White Suge Knight" and inmate #40948-018 at the Federal Correctional Institution Williamsburg in Salters, S.C., where he is serving a 125-month bid for identity theft.

During his time behind bars, Riches has filed no less than 19 lawsuits in federal court, almost all handwritten, in which he sues people (living and dead), companies (real and imagined), ideologies, websites, landmarks, universities, charities, planets, books, historical documents, countries, movies, rappers and the "13 tribes of Israel." And that's a partial list. One lawsuit, in fact, takes 56 pages to name 783 defendants.

That case accused President Bush et al of violating his civil rights. The "et al" includes Plato, the Lincoln Memorial, "Various Buddhist Monks," Christina Applegate, Mein Kampf, the Wu Tang Clan, Denny's and Native Rastafarians. (Presumably immigrant Rastafarians are safe.)

Not only has Riches been admirably diverse in his defendant selection, but his claims have the creative flair of Mad Libs on acid. On July 16, for instance, he filed a complaint alleging that the Mossad, the CIA and "Larry King Live" conspired to "hijack my torso, three toes, and my constitutional rights and ship them to a secret headquarters in Concord, NH," as well as inserted microchips and "dashing my hopes." He accuses Larry King of being "a voodoo witch doctor who stole my identity on February 25th, 2003 and purchased lead paint, Chips Ahoy!, Planter's Peanuts, and Ziploc bags under my identity. Distributed them to the CIA to microwave test my DNA."

A week later, Riches filed a lawsuit against Michael Vick, accusing him of stealing two "white mixed pit bull dogs," using them for fighting and then selling them on eBay. The proceeds of that sale, Riches alleged, were used "to purchase missiles from the Iran [sic] government." Vick is also accused of pledging "Alliengence [sic] to Al-qaeda" and subjecting Riches to "microwave testing."

That same day Riches filed a massive prison-themed lawsuit naming, among others, the Soviet Gulag Archipelago, Bellevue Hospital, Tehran Iran's Evin Prison, Auschwitz, "Cool Hand Luke" and "The Shawshank Redemption." He alleged that they "inter alia engaged in a conspiracy to: 1) kidnap his mind; 2) steal his identity; 3) violate his copyrighted name; 4) force him to eat rats; and 5) subject him to microwave testing."

In August Riches has focused his energies on "extracting justice" from the world of high-profile athletes who, if you believe his allegations, have done some pretty incredible things. Michael Vick, Wayne Gretzky, Michael Jordan, Joe Montana, Tony Montana (the character in "Scarface," not some distant relative of Joe), Mickey Mantle and Allen Iverson "failed to build a anti-UFO defense system at FCI Williamsburg," and "broke into Watergate in the 1970's... fought in the Battle of Hastings 1066 with the Duke of Normandy" and "picked on [him] in high school" by tying his shoes together and stealing his lunch money "to purchase performance-enhancing drugs."



Will the Magna Carta take a plea deal? (City Paper)
Riches's imagination in making accusations is matched by his audacity in asking for damages. In the July 16 suit he demanded "211,429,399,000,000.00 trillion dollars backed by gold and silver, delivered by United States Postal Service." An Aug. 3 lawsuit, which accuses Michael Vick of having a sexual relationship with his co-defendant Jason Michael Carpenter, sought "662,000,000,000,000 trillion dollars in British gold delivered by J.B. Hunt Trucking to the front-gate of FCI Williamsburg."

You might say that he showed some restraint in his Aug. 14 "Batman and Identity Robbin'" suit against Barry Bonds. Although he accuses the Giants slugger of selling steroids to nuns, bench-pressing him "against [his] will" and using "Hank Aaron's corked bat" to "crack the Liberty Bell," he seeks a only modest "42,000,000.00 million dollars in Swiss Francs." According to Riches, Bonds also "gave mustard gas to Saddam Hussein, as part of the oil for food scandal."

On first glance, it appears that the "White Suge" is delusional. But there is certainly some method to his madness. Beyond the clever and at times witty writing, he was sensible enough to spread his lawsuits across different federal jurisdictions. In doing so, he has dodged frivolous lawsuit sanctions while gaining national fame.

Still, for all his legal stamina, Riches has thus far come up empty-handed, with not a single judge granting him a trial. Litigants need standing in order to sue -- essentially, they have to prove they would be affected by the matter at hand and that a court could resolve it -- and Riches's claims for standing are tenuous. Still, given all the things you could be doing behind bars, at least he has found a creative outlet for his frustration.

On Monday Riches filed his latest lawsuit. The defendant is the I-35W bridge, a few highways and the Mississippi River, from which he is demanding that $125 billion be paid to the victims' families. The motion concludes with an almost philanthropic plea: "Please help America!"


:bowr ofl:
the best one by far is the Barry Bonds and Iraq one