Your Favorite Smart Ass Responses

Diamond Cross · 10-13-2006, 01:39 AM

I have a few.

One of my standards comes when somebody asks me to sign something and I say "but I don't know sign language".

Whenever a waitress asks "Is there anything else I can get you?" I respond with "how about a date with Jessica Alba?"

IminWonderland · 10-13-2006, 01:49 AM

When my son asks me for something, I'll say "You're not the boss of me."

When I disagree with him, something trivial (he likes to argue like his mama) his favorite line is "You wanna piece of me?"

Kytro · 10-13-2006, 02:02 AM

If someone says something particulary silly, I'll rip of a bit of paper, hand it to them and say "here, take this cluepon"

I should download this http://www.jillsjokeline.com/cluepon.jpg

kinggovernor · 10-13-2006, 03:01 AM

when someone tells me what to do, I always like respond with "yea, well that is your opinion"

IminWonderland · 10-13-2006, 04:20 AM

I like quoting movies when I'm being a smart ass.

WickedLou9 · 10-13-2006, 08:49 AM

my favorite smart ass reponse? a spinning backfist to the face! AHHH!!!

Ok not really. I don't have any.

I'm a fan of facial expressions.

Stylerod · 10-13-2006, 10:10 AM

When I go to a store or a gas station and I buy a drink and the cashier asks if I would like a bag. I say "No thanks, my friends know I drink."

Stylerod · 10-13-2006, 10:11 AM

Oh, and the all time classic. "if it was up your ass you'd know it."

There was about a 1 month period at work where if you asked anyone any kind of question that was the response you would get.

ex:
Me: "Hey Crystal, have you seen the daily rejection report?"

Crystal: "If it was up your ass you'd know it."

7960 · 10-13-2006, 10:42 AM

Originally Posted by Stylerod

Oh, and the all time classic. "if it was up your ass you'd know it."

There was about a 1 month period at work where if you asked anyone any kind of question that was the response you would get.

ex:
Me: "Hey Crystal, have you seen the daily rejection report?"

Crystal: "If it was up your ass you'd know it."

those are the funniest ones to me... just spouting something to a waitress or gas station guy isn't funny (to me). Ones thrown back and forth by people who know each other kill me.

I worked with a lab guy for years. New guy came to the office. I'm talking to new guy and old friend lab guy goes walking by and i said "hey jackass, you almost done with (some project)?" New guy is horrified and says "how can you treat the lab admin like that?!?!!" Lab guy and I nearly pissed ourselves laughing.

EVERYONE and EVERYTHING was "Jackass" for about 6 months.

Publius · 10-13-2006, 01:13 PM

At my old job one of the assistant managers and I always poked fun at each other, and he'd always end up saying, "I take offense to that! A little white picket fence in fact!"

That always made me

7960 · 10-13-2006, 01:20 PM

There was a manager in our office (when I was in an office) that would walk around and try to recruit anyone to do his work...even people who didn't work for him.

I bought this shirt and kept it in my cube. Every time he'd walk toward me I'd put it on and he'd get PISSED and walk away.

Publius · 10-13-2006, 03:24 PM

Originally Posted by 7960

There was a manager in our office (when I was in an office) that would walk around and try to recruit anyone to do his work...even people who didn't work for him.

I bought this shirt and kept it in my cube. Every time he'd walk toward me I'd put it on and he'd get PISSED and walk away.

6SpeedTA95 · 10-14-2006, 01:47 PM

Originally Posted by 7960

Holy shit that goes great when countering a liberal!

WickedLou9 · 10-16-2006, 05:54 PM

Originally Posted by 7960

There was a manager in our office (when I was in an office) that would walk around and try to recruit anyone to do his work...even people who didn't work for him.

I bought this shirt and kept it in my cube. Every time he'd walk toward me I'd put it on and he'd get PISSED and walk away.

I could really use that here.

7960 · 10-16-2006, 06:16 PM

Originally Posted by WickedLou9

I could really use that here.

Now & Zen - Let me drop everything and work on your problem

Donkey® · 10-17-2006, 10:47 PM

When someone says something I don't like I say:

"Shut the fuck up you fucking lemur taint."

Stylerod · 10-19-2006, 11:08 AM

Originally Posted by Donkey®

When someone says something I don't like I say:

"Shut the fuck up you fucking lemur taint."

I tried that one on my wife last night. yeah, it didn't go over too well....

IminWonderland · 10-19-2006, 11:55 AM

Originally Posted by Stylerod

I tried that one on my wife last night. yeah, it didn't go over too well....

SICKGUY · 10-20-2006, 12:24 AM

if someone ever asked me "did you do anything over the weekend?" i will usually reply with "your old lady on saturday night! boing!" most people never understand it

or when someone says "whats up?" its usually something along the line of "your mom on my nuts"

i have learned from the workplace that childish jokes never really get old.